Bring it On!

Bring it On!

So I know I’ve not written in a few days after my last very dark post. But I’m back today with a whole new attitude. I feel amazing today. That might have something to do with the fact that I got a full nights sleep last night for a change. Sleep is my friend. I have had a strange week. First there was Monday, which we all know what Monday was for me. Dark and dreary. Then Tuesday I felt a bit better. By Wednesday I had gotten my groove back. I went up to the Temple Wednesday afternoon after my afternoon appointment. I listened to some conference talks that had been recorded for me. I sat at the temple in my favorite spot, in the back by the fountain. I had my earphones and I just listened.  First was our Stake president speaking about the Book of Mormon and he, as he always does, put out the challenge to read the Book of Mormon daily. Great message as always.  Then there was another President speaking about Fast Sunday and the blessings of living the law of the fast (which I personally have never been able to fully do). Great talks from them as always.  Then came the Temple matron’s talk. I love this woman, she and her husband taught a temple prep class that I took years ago and they are just the nicest, most genuine and helpful people ever.  Her talk was about the temple and how when she was a young mother she had decided to make the temple a priority.  Great stuff and I thought it was awesome that I was on the temple grounds to hear that message.  Then her husband spoke, and he also spoke about the temple. I can’t pin point exactly what about his talk struck me, I really can’t. But I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that made me shake. I just had this, almost need really, to decide to make my way back to the temple.

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So, just a bit of history, I took out my temple endowments in October of 2010. It was a special day. I personally never thought of myself as a temple going person even though I’d grown up in the church my whole life. I just always assumed it was not something I would ever do. So without going into too much detail about how I got there, I finally had my recommend given to me in July of 2010. I didn’t go and actually take out my endowments until October because I wanted to wait until I could go when we took my Brother, Ryan’s name through the temple. He had passed away on September 29, 2009. We had to wait a year before doing his temple work. So in that time I had received my recommend but chose not to use it until I could go when Ryan’s work was done.  So that is how that happened. I remember going to the temple often after that and feeling the piece that I felt there every time I went. In probably 2014 my recommend expired and I didn’t renew it. There is a story behind that as well, but perhaps a story for another time.

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So here it is 2017 and I still have not renewed my recommend and a lot has happened since then that will require some additional work to get my recommend back. So, back to the story, I was at the temple grounds this past week and I had this overwhelming feeling just come over me that I needed to get back to the temple. But, I also had the thought that it would not be an immediate thing or maybe even something that happens this year. I know, somewhat conflicting ideas right? Anyway, there I was having this very spiritual experience on the temple ground, literally ugly crying outside. I’m grateful that no one was around, or honestly, if they were, I didn’t notice. I was sort of in my own little island. It seemed isolated. I suppose, if I’m honest, there could have been people around and I’m not sure I would have noticed.  I cleaned myself up and left because I had to pick up my daughter to take her to singing lessons. So I went home, sort of on this emotional and spiritual high. I wasn’t sad, even though I was crying. I was just overwhelmed. So I picked Mikayla up and we went to her lesson. During that time I was scrolling through Facebook and finding all of these inspirational quotes, video’s and talks that just helped me make sense of what I was feeling.  After her music lesson, we went to my friend’s house to practice a song and then after that I went home, still on this high.

You know how when you get so high up, that the only way to go is down? Well that’s sort of what happened when I got home. While it was no one’s fault, I was somewhat irked by some things my husband had said (which of course, I know he didn’t mean) but they sort of brought me crashing down into this very defeated place. Where I had once had this hope it was dashed by these inconsequential comments.  Funny how that happens isn’t it? It’s funny how some people can just push the right buttons to instantly deflate you at a moments notice.  My husband is the only person who knows how to do that. Quite literally no one else has that ability. It’s sort of his super power.  But I love that he is the only one who carries that much weight in my life. It’s the way it should be I suppose. Anyone else could have said far worse and I would have just brushed it off because those people don’t mean anything to me. So I was up late Wednesday night literally giving way to much attention to this exchange between he and I that I know he probably didn’t think that much about. It literally probably didn’t faze him at all. But he didn’t know that I’d just been on this roller coaster of emotional high so he wouldn’t have known that what he said would bring me down. Totally my fault.

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Yesterday, I woke up late and had to be at a meeting at 10:00 in Henderson, so I got ready fast and left. Went to my meeting, and then had to meet someone about some marketing for my business. After that I realize, I have 2 reviews that are due tomorrow that aren’t done. So I rush to my other office and get those done.  Meanwhile, that night my husband and I were planning to go out for a belated Valentine’s dinner.  Meanwhile, I hadn’t showered because I woke up late. He texts me and asks if I can pick up dinner for our daughter on the way home oh and by the way we need to leave by 5:15. So I’m like, I haven’t showered and was going to shower before we left.  So he said he would pick up her dinner so I could shower. Thank you! I was starting to feel stressed out. So I get home and get ready. We leave the house and head to The Edge Steakhouse at the Westgate. It was a somewhat tense ride there. I think he sensed that maybe he had messed up the night before. I just kept saying I was fine and I really was. Anyway, things got better, we talked a bit and had a nice dinner and ended the night with just cuddling on the couch, which I fell asleep! I was so tired from this week. I fell asleep in his arms.  He went to bed and then I woke up and went to bed not to long after that and slept through the entire night!

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I know, so what is my point. My point is that I managed the ups and downs this week but what I found was that  I needed to sleep, just really sleep. Now today, I feel like I can take on the world, so to that I say, world, BRING IT ON! I got this.

Hello Darkness my Old Friend

Hello Darkness my Old Friend

So this is literally what I felt like upon waking this morning. Just endless thoughts of what is the point of my life. Not just that but just this sick, unrelenting feeling and these sick unrelenting thoughts of doom, and despair, and just darkness that were all swimming in my head.  I have no idea why. I had a perfectly fantastic weekend in the trenches of the Supernatural Convention 2017.  Saw some great speakers, spent way to much money, pictures with the super awesome, super gorgeous Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles. So why wake up to this feeling right? It makes no sense, much like me sometimes. I just make no sense. I am this strange complex person who, apparently is fine one minute and filled with darkness the next. Yay Me!

So what’s my point? I wish I knew. I wish I could give this feeling a name, or a description. I guess darkness is the closest thing to an accurate description I can think of. I want to be so quick to just say, oh it’s the adversary filling my head with this stuff, but I think that would be a mistake. I think it would be a mistake to just blame it on Satan and be done with it. It seems to easy to just do that. I have written a lot about some very intense and trans-formative feelings I’ve had recently, mostly in a spiritual and light-hearted way at times. But I feel like I just can’t get their today. Like I can’t just spin some spiritual thoughts and poof I’ll suddenly see the light again. I’m not sad. I’m not mad. I’m just here.  Like in the song “Amazing” by Aerosmith (greatest rock band in the world by the way) it says “in the blink of an eye, you finally see the light.” I keep blinking today but there is no light. I have a wonderful husband who loves me. Sure he has his faults but so do I. No one is perfect. My daughter is absolutely amazing and she is perfect just as she is. So why can I only see darkness today?

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Like have you ever had the thought that you just didn’t want to be here anymore. Like you just wanted to go away or run away. Think about it. What if I just woke up one morning. Packed a bag and left? What if? It’s a horrible thought for sure and just even typing that out is hard. It’s hard to read back. I wonder though, how many mothers or women in general just feel like enough already? Like I said, I have no particular reason to feel this way at this particular moment. I had an awesome weekend. My husband got home from his trip last night and everything is good. So why? Why feel like running away? Why feel like you wish the end was here? I think that’s why I thought of the song “Sound of Silence” because it starts out “Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again.” It sort of perfectly sums up my feeling. And why is darkness my friend?

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Maybe it’s a feeling that things are going good and so you think to yourself things shouldn’t be going good, let me look for my old friend darkness so I can feel horrible again. But I don’t think so. I don’t think I sought it out. I think it’s just there. Always lurking in the shadows, waiting for me to feel good so that it can come and claim my soul for its own. I have no idea what I’m saying and I’m fairly certain this blog is taking a very dark turn and probably will cease to be interesting anymore.

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Here is the thing about me. Most people who know me, know I am a very optimistic and generally up beat person. I’m not Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh who is perpetually sad, dark and gloomy. That just never was me. Today, I feel like Eeyore. Like it all just doesn’t matter anyway so why bother? That is just my general mentality today. I hate that I feel that way, it isn’t at all a comfortable feeling for me. Some people who have that general gloomy disposition most of the time might find it comfortable in the darkness. I myself prefer the light. So when I wake up feeling drowned in a murky cloud of darkness it leaves me perplexed. It leaves me unable to really function well. Now, normally, I’d blame something like this on hormones or whatever. But it doesn’t feel hormonal. It doesn’t feel like what that roller coaster of emotions feels like when you are in that state. This feels eerily calm. Like I’m not freaking out needlessly or just riding that roller coaster of imbalance. I’m calm and yet I’m enveloped in this darkness. I think it’s the calm that bothers me. The fact that I’m in this state and I don’t care. The fact that I can have some of the very dark thoughts I’ve had and still be calm. That it could not faze me in the slightest.

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So, now that everyone who might read this blog is thoroughly depressed now, I suppose I should stop bringing the world down. I don’t know what any of this means. I don’t know why it’s happening. I don’t know what I’m going to do about it. But hey, here is this blog right? I guess I’ve disturbed the sound of silence enough. Maybe silence is better.

Lost and Found

Lost and Found

I was torn on what to write about today, because the ideas just keep coming. I know #bloggerproblems right? Just kidding, I’ve never been a blogger before now so I wouldn’t know if it is a problem for others or not. However, today I have just felt extremely good about everything, for no reason. I kind of hesitate to write that down because it’s like Murphy’s law, if you say it out loud you jinx it. Anyway, too late.  Over the course of the last 2 weeks I’ve went through a lot of very deep diving emotional and mental breakthrough’s, it’s been exhausting to say the least. So why the title “lost and found”? Well, because that is sort of like what the last couple of weeks or, if I’m honest, the last 4 years, have been like. It’s been like I found what I had lost, except that before I found it I didn’t really know it was lost. I guess in a way, I kind of did, it’s like scotch tape or the scissors in your house. Do most of us know where they are most of the time? I mean, we know we have tape and scissors somewhere, but could we actually tell someone where to find it in the house if we had too? Well, maybe some very organized people can, but I can tell you I can not.  I might be able to say, I saw it in the general vicinity of the kitchen,  maybe start there.

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So, like the scotch tape and the scissors that I know I have in my house somewhere, I felt like my faith and my spirituality and my emotional and mental health were somewhere inside of me. Like I knew it wasn’t just gone, but like my tape and scissors, I probably couldn’t have told you where it was or what happened to it.  So when I say it wasn’t really lost, I mean, I knew I had it, I just didn’t know where I put it. So I suppose a better term would be misplaced rather than lost. But lost sounded better in the title. I mean misplaced and found sounds silly.

Now maybe you are one of those people who always knows where you put everything. You know, everything has its place and everything it its place so to speak.  You are probably one of those people who has a label for your label maker right? You have a cute holder for your scissors or your tape that you made off of Pinterest right? Well, for that person I say, good for you. That is awesome that you are such a tidy person.  So being that type of person you probably would never misplace your faith right? Let’s hope not. I’d hate to think that you could keep track of scissors but not faith. Okay, I’m totally making fun of organized people now. But it is all in good fun and I don’t mean anything bad by it. I am truly in awe of your organizational talents.  Come to think of it, I used to be a very organized individual and at work I still am, but when I’m at home I have essentially given up the organization fight.  But I digress, so back to spirituality and faith. How does one misplace it? That is the million dollar question.

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For a lot of people it is probably gradual, where they just sort of stop using it. When you don’t use something very much it’s easy to lose track of its whereabouts, where as something that is used daily, like your cell phone, you don’t lose track of because it’s likely permanently glued to your hand.  But the scissors or the tape only get used occasionally so it’s easy to forget where you last left it. The same can be said for your faith, your spirituality. If you stop using it, you lose it.  So by that I mean, you stop doing the things that brought a spiritual connection to you. Maybe you used to pray daily and you stopped. Maybe you used to read scriptures daily and you stopped. Maybe you used to go to church every Sunday and you stopped. So if you stop doing the things that exercise your faith, then you start to forget where it is or how it made you feel.  You let life happen in its place. Now again, I am truly awe inspired by those individuals who consistently exercise their faith because they are more likely to not misplace it. I, on the other hand, am very prone to complacency and very prone to be arrogant enough to think that I could stop exercising my faith and still know where it is. I am wrong. I am wrong every time I do that and yet, I keep doing it.  Just like I’m wrong every time I say I’ll just set the scissors here, I’ll be able to find them again next time, only to have to tear the house apart looking for it when I go to wrap Christmas presents every year. I swear, I never learn.

 

Over the past 30 days or so and more specifically the last 2 weeks, I have undergone some what of a spiritual overhaul. Sounds pleasant doesn’t it? It’s not. I mean it is but it is emotionally and mentally draining. So I uncluttered my psyche, and in the process found where I had left my faith and spirituality, turns out it was right in front of my face the entire time. It’s always the last place you look though. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have a lot more clutter and organizing to do still, but I found the core of it at least. Like a scattered puzzle, I found the box with the pretty picture on it,  I’m just looking for all the pieces now.

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Part of my journey I really think started late last year, but I didn’t realize it.  Possibly even half way through last year. I was having problems in my business and with my family and just with everything in life including my health. I think everything was manifesting itself in my left eye. Cornea infections are not fun, let me tell you and I am still having left eye issues. I was searching for something but didn’t know what. I had even hired business coaches and life coaches to assist me thinking that would help. I know, me, life coaches (nothing against life coaches) but I was seriously that desperate and the fact that I was paying life coaches was just, eww…like made me want to gag. Because I’ve never been that type of person. Now I’m not saying life coaches are bad. I know plenty of them and they do add value to a lot of people’s lives and businesses, so don’t start sending me hate mail. It was just something that I never thought I’d do. Anyway, the point was I had done this trying to find answers. The answers were in me all along. I had just misplaced my faith. What I was searching for was God. He never left though. I just closed the door on  him and forgot which door I left him standing behind. But he was still there, when I found that door and opened it, there he was. Never moved.  Just in the same spot I left him. The wonderful life coaches I hired didn’t know I’d left him behind a door. How could they. So they couldn’t help me find the door he was behind because they didn’t know he was there.

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What I needed was help from someone who actually knew he was there and that I had left him behind. So, God, in his infinite wisdom, because he couldn’t get a hold of me, started calling on some friends to alert me to the fact that I totally forgot about him. Luckily, eventually the right people answered the phone and he sent them to the rescue. To remind me that hey, I’d slammed the door on God and left him just standing out in the cold. He didn’t do it for himself though. He wasn’t like, how dare she do this to me?! Just forget about me like that! He was concerned that I hadn’t come back after I closed the door. His concern was for me. So he sent a posse out to find me to make sure I was okay. I am so thankful that he did. Because now, today, even though I’m still finding pieces to the puzzle, I feel amazing. I feel connected. I feel again. I think I had stopped feeling. So here I am writing this ridiculous blog about tape, scissors, and faith, but I feel amazing doing it. I have a lot of unanswered questions right now and I’m even unsure about some drastic events that may or may not happen in my life right now and somehow, I’m okay with all of it. I’m so okay that I’m actually happy, giddy, excited about life again, regardless of what that life looks like now.

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The bottom line is never lose hope, never think that something or someone is so lost they can’t be found. God doesn’t quit looking, he will stand there at the door knocking for eternity until you finally find the right door again. He will call reinforcements to help you. He will never quit. You will always be found! Now, the tape and the scissors is another story, that’s all on you, but rest assured that tape and scissors can be easily purchased again so don’t sweat it.

Use Your Life Line

Use Your Life Line

Over the years we have all come across trials and hardships in our lives. No one is exempt from this. It’s called life. Have you ever stopped to look back at trials in your life and realized that without knowing it you were probably thrown a life line? A metaphorical life-preserver if you will. Sometimes it’s hard to recognize it at the time but then, when you look back you see the help clear as day. What if you were aware though? What if you were fully cognizant of the fact that you were being thrown a life line and you chose not to take it? No thanks, I’m good, I can swim. Move along. What if instead of letting our pride get the best of us, we grabbed that life line and held on for dear life? Or maybe, you didn’t even realize you were drowning until a life line was thrown to you? I’ll admit, that is usually me. I’m going along, just swimming along thinking I’m good, everything is good, and then suddenly a life boat appears or a life preserver and I think, “well that’s odd, like why do I need this? I’m totally fine.” But, for some reason I grab it anyway, because, well, why not?  Maybe I’ll need it someday.

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The point is, often times we get so busy with life and thinking we can do it all on our own that we forget that we can’t. That’s right, I said we can’t. It’s not a some can and some can’t kind of thing. It isn’t a debate, we absolutely cannot navigate this life alone.

Recently I’ve been thrown a life line, one I didn’t know I needed. This person who has come into my life, has offered me one thing….friendship. That’s it, something so simple. Something we take for granted every day. Someone to talk to, to bounce ideas off of, to just listen when you need someone to listen. To try to cheer you up when things seem hopeless. Sometimes, that’s all it takes. It doesn’t have to be some drastic hallelujah sign from above. It’s the little things.  We are sent these angels every day, to help us through the tough times. Sometimes it is someone expected, sometimes it is totally unexpected. But none the less it’s there, and who knows, maybe you were sent to that person to help them in some way. I think God absolutely uses us as tools to help each other and the bonus part is you end up with a life long friend. Who couldn’t use one of those right?

This is not the first time I’ve been thrown a life-preserver. Although this is probably the first time I’ve been fully aware that it was happening.  I can think of many situations and times in my life where divine intervention is absolutely the only reason that I got out of a bad situation. There just wasn’t any other way to describe it. I don’t believe in luck, I don’t believe in coincidence really, I mean yes sometimes things are coincidental, but not usually big things. My life has been orchestrated in such away that it lead me right to this moment. This moment where I am writing this blog to whomever, explaining that God knows each of us, and he cares for each of us individually and there is nothing that we feel or experience that he isn’t aware of. He absolutely inspires events and people in our lives to reach out when needed.  I am here, at this point in my life for a reason. It wasn’t by choice (not really) it was by circumstances, and yes choices I’ve made, but ultimately choices that maybe I needed to make to get here.  This all sounds very deep and vague I know, but honestly, look at your life and think back. Who was your life line, who helped you, how did you make it through some situations? Was it truly alone? I don’t think so.

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Now what about those truly horrible situations that happen to some people where you think, why would a loving God let that happen? Yes, there are truly bad things that happen to good people through  no fault of their own. Why is that? Is it because he cares less for them? No, it isn’t. There maybe no real clear answer to that until we ultimately pass on and the big picture is revealed, but one thing I can say is that even though some people endure horrible circumstances in their life, they ultimately come out of it with an experience that in some way, I am sure, has taught them something. Is it fair, well, no, but life isn’t fair is it? Some of those people don’t make it out alive, fair? Maybe not, or maybe they were taken out of this life to live a better one, without the pain and suffering of this world. So while we may not know the reason why some people are saved and some people are not we know that everything happens for a reason. Even if we can’t see that reason in this life.

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I am fortunate enough to not have to go through something truly horrific in this life thus far. But, I truly am blessed to know that I am not alone. That through inspired events in my life I’ve seen numerous life lines thrown to me. Some I have taken, and some I have passed by only to have that life line offered to me again later on. I am here writing this blog because right in this moment God knows what I need. He knows how I feel. He loves me even when I don’t love myself. Maybe I’m writing this for myself, maybe someone else needs to hear it. I don’t know. But I don’t need to know all of what God has in store for each of his children to know that right here in this moment he sees me, and hears me, and loves me and is proud that I used the life line, even when I wasn’t sure why I needed it.

 

Let It Go! (No, not the Frozen song)

Let It Go! (No, not the Frozen song)

Isn’t it funny how sometimes we just hold on to useless stuff. Not just material clutter (which I have plenty of) but emotional clutter, baggage, unnecessary feelings and struggles. We just cling to those things like they are so precious to us. Why?

Here is what I think, I think those things build up. I think we don’t think about them until suddenly we realize our minds have become this waste land of crap! It happens slowly so we don’t realize it until we find ourselves mentally bogged down by these feelings. They have suddenly taken over your life to the point that your true feelings, your true potential, and your true spiritual nature are suffocated under the weight of it.  So why do we let it get that way?

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Have you ever carried a heavy bag or back pack? You pick it up at first and think this isn’t so bad. Maybe it isn’t even that heavy at first. You walk around with it on your shoulder and as you go along you collect stuff. You have the bag after all, why not put stuff in it.  Maybe you don’t even put that much in it. But, if you carry that bag around long enough, it starts to feel heavy. Suddenly you find yourself switching shoulders. Then you walk around with it on that shoulder for a while until it starts to get to heavy for that shoulder to. So what you end up with is 2 sore shoulders. Do we ever not think of maybe setting the bag down, or even setting it down and taking some stuff out of it that we don’t need?

Now that’s a great metaphor obviously, I know women out there can relate to carrying around that enormous purse that you throw literally everything into. I’ve done it.  Then when you go to find your wallet or your keys it is buried under all this crap. Well, because we are always so busy and just never get around to it, we don’t clean out our purses until one day we get so frustrated that we can’t find what we need that we dump the contents onto the table and start sorting things out.  Most of the stuff we collect in our purses, is just garbage that we end up throwing out. Receipts galore from shopping trips and grocery store trips. Business cards from networking events, (who is this person again)? All the crap that we just throw into our bags without thinking gets sorted through and then we put our wallet and our keys and maybe our lipstick or a compact mirror (you know, the necessities) back in and we are so proud of ourselves for getting organized. At least until we go out again and start that collecting process all over again!

My point is, maybe we should stop (first and foremost collecting useless junk in our purses) but more importantly, stop collecting useless junk in our minds.  Because we do the same thing with our minds.  Sometimes we are just a veritable plethora of useless information right?

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What if, instead of filing away that offensive remark or that small slight that someone made towards us (either intentionally or unintentionally) and just decided to let it go from the beginning? What if instead of beating ourselves up for stupid things we’ve done to ourselves or to other people, we rectify it and move on. Why keep that stored in your head to trip over one day? What if instead of the hurts we remember the good things someone has done for us? What if we kept those things. Wouldn’t we value those things?  What happens when we trip over that memory of something bad? Ultimately it brings us right back to that moment in time where we have to feel all of that hurt again. So what we’ve done is saved something that makes us feel bad so that we can one day stumble across it again and feel bad all over again. What?! Why?! LET IT GO! Let it go so that you don’t have to stumble across it again.

For example, in our homes we take care of the things we value and they are displayed nicely and kept safe right? The junk, is just left around or stuffed in a closet or a corner and only pulled out or dealt with when we keep tripping over it.  So what if we treated our emotional and spiritual minds like we treat our valuable possessions? What if we didn’t store useless junk in the corners of our minds to trip over on our way to getting to the valuable things? What if we only stored the good stuff? What if?

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It is easier said than done to let small stuff go and to not keep it filed away. It is easier said than done to let the big stuff go. I’m not sure I have the answer, what I do know is that if we take the time to pause for a minute and decide if something is worth keeping or not keeping (mentally or emotionally) then maybe we will stop collecting the useless stuff and start valuing the valuable stuff. Something to think about, and if someone out there masters how to do this let me know because that could be useful information right?

The Great Escape!

The Great Escape!

As I’ve mentioned before, I am an “all-in” kind of girl. When I decide to do something I jump in and do it and I do it full force.  It’s a blessing and a curse. Anyway, blogging has become my great escape. It seemed a little odd at first putting my thoughts and feelings and ideas out into the internet world for anyone to see. But I gotta say it’s been liberating as well. Because, I truly am a person who doesn’t care what others think, or at least that is what I always told myself anyway, this really has been a testament to that idea. Do I really not care? If I put these personal thoughts and ideas out into the world-wide web, you better be sure of that. So far, I haven’t been flogged by anyone or told that I’m stupid or whatever mean and nasty things people can come up with. Or maybe I’m just not that interesting and people don’t really care. Either way, it has been liberating for me.

Most of my blogs thus far have been about some personal discoveries I’ve made about myself. I haven’t even touched on politics yet (don’t worry at some point I probably will) I’m sure that’s when I’ll get the hate posts. I am just basking in the idea of personal growth and my own personal thoughts right now. I guess I’m being a little selfish because, everything has been about me thus far! Shocker! I have to admit it feels a little narcissistic at times. But oh well, maybe my struggles or thoughts can help someone else in the long run.  That’s what I like to tell myself anyway.

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What I have found is that self-reflection can be hard and draining.  I think not enough of us take the time to really reflect on who we are, why we do the things we do, or how we got to be the person we are now. I mean why would we, we all have lives and are busy and why would we stop to ask those questions anyway? I’m really not sure what lead me to ask them in the first place. I think we are afraid to look too hard at ourselves because we might not like what we find. We might have to admit we are wrong in some way. We might have to admit that our way of thinking or doing things is flawed, and who really wants to admit any of that? Not me, for sure. I have always thought of myself as knowing exactly who I am and what I stand for, and if I make a decision one way or another, it is the right one for me. Because I never really stopped to examine why I was doing something or thinking a certain way.

What are we afraid of? I’ll tell you what we are afraid of. We are afraid of change. We are afraid that if we stop to reflect on ourselves and really look at ourselves on a deeper level that we will have to do things differently. That we will find out that we are wrong and if we find out we are wrong, we have 2 choices, to either stay wrong or change.  Change is never an easy thing and admitting you are wrong, is even harder.

What I’ve found about myself (right, wrong or indifferent) is that I act first and think later and that I have an amazing ability to reason myself into what I think I want.  Since I am in the legal field professionally, I have been asked by many people why I didn’t just become a lawyer. I guess they recognize what I fail to recognize about myself, which is that I’d probably make a great attorney. I mean what do attorney’s do essentially? They reason away their client’s actions or lack of actions, or whatever. They find that loophole. They come up with a plausible scenario which makes that winning argument. Essentially that is what I do to myself. I come up with those winning arguments in my head which essentially makes my actions or in-actions, or whatever, plausible. I find those loopholes. I twist the facts or the truth until it fits my narrative inside my head.  That’s crazy right? When I put it on paper like that it sounds crazy to me. But when I’m rationalizing it in my head it doesn’t sound crazy at the time. I don’t realize I’m doing it.

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So now that I’ve figured out that about myself, what is the answer? How do you fundamentally change how your mind works? Seriously! I mean it’s like changing your personality. So even if I do realize this about myself, how does one go about changing the fact that you have a really good attorney in your head? I mean, she is obviously very good at her job. This does kind of go along with my last blog post from 2 days ago. “Punch Satan in the Face!”. Essentially I alluded to the fact that it was Satan in my head feeding me my thoughts or twisting them. So I suppose going back to that position, I just have to evict Satan from my brain right? Is it that easy though? I mean part of the reason that Satan is in my head and that I can’t tell the difference between what are organically my thoughts and what are his, is because he twists my thoughts so they sound like me. Again, I am Satan, Satan is me, etc. But I think even if I do successfully punch Satan in the face and kick him out, I’m still me right? I’m still the one that finds loopholes aren’t I?

Here is what I’ve been told in the past about personal revelation. I’ve been told that you can tell that it is the spirit of God speaking if the idea or thought is good (I’m paraphrasing) but if it is bad it is from Satan. Great! problem solved! Oh wait, except that good and bad are totally subjective to each individual and also relative to the situation. Right! Forgot about that. This is where things get personally murky for me. Obviously if I have an idea in my brain box that says that I should go rob a bank, obviously, that is a clear indicator that it is bad and is not from God. Okay, cool. Now what if I have a thought in my head that says, keep your family unit together at all costs and do what is right for your family. Okay, this is where it gets confusing because that could mean so many things. Now say an opportunity presents itself to re connect with your spouse or something and you really feel that it is a good idea because re connecting with your spouse will help the family unit. Perfect! That must be good right? Now let’s say that the way your brain came up with you to re connect was to have a great weekend with your spouse that may involve going against a principal that you have been taught is fundamentally wrong, but doing it makes your spouse happy and by extension brings back that closeness that you were thinking was good for the family unit? These are just examples, but really, those little small decisions are the choices you are going with and they seem inherently “good” at the time. So, was that a loophole? If the way we make decisions or know if personal revelation is really from God is based on whether it is good or not, then how do you always tell the difference given the subjective nature of good and bad? If you pray about it and your brain still finds those loopholes, how do you change that?

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I’m still figuring that out of course. But I think they are valid questions. Of course, what do I know, based on my self-reflection, I don’t know much. But I do find that escaping into my blog and typing from this stream of consciousness that may or may not make sense, somehow let’s me escape into a reality where good and bad can co-exist for a short time just to wade through the cob webs of your mind that have been discarded and forgotten. It allows me to play, what if, for as long as I need to until that light bulb comes on that says this is the clear answer. So, even if my blog is not helping anyone but me, I guess that is good enough. If it only serves to let me escape long enough to focus on an idea or thought, then I guess it is worth it to bear my soul to the internet!