Bring it On!

Bring it On!

So I know I’ve not written in a few days after my last very dark post. But I’m back today with a whole new attitude. I feel amazing today. That might have something to do with the fact that I got a full nights sleep last night for a change. Sleep is my friend. I have had a strange week. First there was Monday, which we all know what Monday was for me. Dark and dreary. Then Tuesday I felt a bit better. By Wednesday I had gotten my groove back. I went up to the Temple Wednesday afternoon after my afternoon appointment. I listened to some conference talks that had been recorded for me. I sat at the temple in my favorite spot, in the back by the fountain. I had my earphones and I just listened.  First was our Stake president speaking about the Book of Mormon and he, as he always does, put out the challenge to read the Book of Mormon daily. Great message as always.  Then there was another President speaking about Fast Sunday and the blessings of living the law of the fast (which I personally have never been able to fully do). Great talks from them as always.  Then came the Temple matron’s talk. I love this woman, she and her husband taught a temple prep class that I took years ago and they are just the nicest, most genuine and helpful people ever.  Her talk was about the temple and how when she was a young mother she had decided to make the temple a priority.  Great stuff and I thought it was awesome that I was on the temple grounds to hear that message.  Then her husband spoke, and he also spoke about the temple. I can’t pin point exactly what about his talk struck me, I really can’t. But I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that made me shake. I just had this, almost need really, to decide to make my way back to the temple.

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So, just a bit of history, I took out my temple endowments in October of 2010. It was a special day. I personally never thought of myself as a temple going person even though I’d grown up in the church my whole life. I just always assumed it was not something I would ever do. So without going into too much detail about how I got there, I finally had my recommend given to me in July of 2010. I didn’t go and actually take out my endowments until October because I wanted to wait until I could go when we took my Brother, Ryan’s name through the temple. He had passed away on September 29, 2009. We had to wait a year before doing his temple work. So in that time I had received my recommend but chose not to use it until I could go when Ryan’s work was done.  So that is how that happened. I remember going to the temple often after that and feeling the piece that I felt there every time I went. In probably 2014 my recommend expired and I didn’t renew it. There is a story behind that as well, but perhaps a story for another time.

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So here it is 2017 and I still have not renewed my recommend and a lot has happened since then that will require some additional work to get my recommend back. So, back to the story, I was at the temple grounds this past week and I had this overwhelming feeling just come over me that I needed to get back to the temple. But, I also had the thought that it would not be an immediate thing or maybe even something that happens this year. I know, somewhat conflicting ideas right? Anyway, there I was having this very spiritual experience on the temple ground, literally ugly crying outside. I’m grateful that no one was around, or honestly, if they were, I didn’t notice. I was sort of in my own little island. It seemed isolated. I suppose, if I’m honest, there could have been people around and I’m not sure I would have noticed.  I cleaned myself up and left because I had to pick up my daughter to take her to singing lessons. So I went home, sort of on this emotional and spiritual high. I wasn’t sad, even though I was crying. I was just overwhelmed. So I picked Mikayla up and we went to her lesson. During that time I was scrolling through Facebook and finding all of these inspirational quotes, video’s and talks that just helped me make sense of what I was feeling.  After her music lesson, we went to my friend’s house to practice a song and then after that I went home, still on this high.

You know how when you get so high up, that the only way to go is down? Well that’s sort of what happened when I got home. While it was no one’s fault, I was somewhat irked by some things my husband had said (which of course, I know he didn’t mean) but they sort of brought me crashing down into this very defeated place. Where I had once had this hope it was dashed by these inconsequential comments.  Funny how that happens isn’t it? It’s funny how some people can just push the right buttons to instantly deflate you at a moments notice.  My husband is the only person who knows how to do that. Quite literally no one else has that ability. It’s sort of his super power.  But I love that he is the only one who carries that much weight in my life. It’s the way it should be I suppose. Anyone else could have said far worse and I would have just brushed it off because those people don’t mean anything to me. So I was up late Wednesday night literally giving way to much attention to this exchange between he and I that I know he probably didn’t think that much about. It literally probably didn’t faze him at all. But he didn’t know that I’d just been on this roller coaster of emotional high so he wouldn’t have known that what he said would bring me down. Totally my fault.

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Yesterday, I woke up late and had to be at a meeting at 10:00 in Henderson, so I got ready fast and left. Went to my meeting, and then had to meet someone about some marketing for my business. After that I realize, I have 2 reviews that are due tomorrow that aren’t done. So I rush to my other office and get those done.  Meanwhile, that night my husband and I were planning to go out for a belated Valentine’s dinner.  Meanwhile, I hadn’t showered because I woke up late. He texts me and asks if I can pick up dinner for our daughter on the way home oh and by the way we need to leave by 5:15. So I’m like, I haven’t showered and was going to shower before we left.  So he said he would pick up her dinner so I could shower. Thank you! I was starting to feel stressed out. So I get home and get ready. We leave the house and head to The Edge Steakhouse at the Westgate. It was a somewhat tense ride there. I think he sensed that maybe he had messed up the night before. I just kept saying I was fine and I really was. Anyway, things got better, we talked a bit and had a nice dinner and ended the night with just cuddling on the couch, which I fell asleep! I was so tired from this week. I fell asleep in his arms.  He went to bed and then I woke up and went to bed not to long after that and slept through the entire night!

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I know, so what is my point. My point is that I managed the ups and downs this week but what I found was that  I needed to sleep, just really sleep. Now today, I feel like I can take on the world, so to that I say, world, BRING IT ON! I got this.

Lost and Found

Lost and Found

I was torn on what to write about today, because the ideas just keep coming. I know #bloggerproblems right? Just kidding, I’ve never been a blogger before now so I wouldn’t know if it is a problem for others or not. However, today I have just felt extremely good about everything, for no reason. I kind of hesitate to write that down because it’s like Murphy’s law, if you say it out loud you jinx it. Anyway, too late.  Over the course of the last 2 weeks I’ve went through a lot of very deep diving emotional and mental breakthrough’s, it’s been exhausting to say the least. So why the title “lost and found”? Well, because that is sort of like what the last couple of weeks or, if I’m honest, the last 4 years, have been like. It’s been like I found what I had lost, except that before I found it I didn’t really know it was lost. I guess in a way, I kind of did, it’s like scotch tape or the scissors in your house. Do most of us know where they are most of the time? I mean, we know we have tape and scissors somewhere, but could we actually tell someone where to find it in the house if we had too? Well, maybe some very organized people can, but I can tell you I can not.  I might be able to say, I saw it in the general vicinity of the kitchen,  maybe start there.

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So, like the scotch tape and the scissors that I know I have in my house somewhere, I felt like my faith and my spirituality and my emotional and mental health were somewhere inside of me. Like I knew it wasn’t just gone, but like my tape and scissors, I probably couldn’t have told you where it was or what happened to it.  So when I say it wasn’t really lost, I mean, I knew I had it, I just didn’t know where I put it. So I suppose a better term would be misplaced rather than lost. But lost sounded better in the title. I mean misplaced and found sounds silly.

Now maybe you are one of those people who always knows where you put everything. You know, everything has its place and everything it its place so to speak.  You are probably one of those people who has a label for your label maker right? You have a cute holder for your scissors or your tape that you made off of Pinterest right? Well, for that person I say, good for you. That is awesome that you are such a tidy person.  So being that type of person you probably would never misplace your faith right? Let’s hope not. I’d hate to think that you could keep track of scissors but not faith. Okay, I’m totally making fun of organized people now. But it is all in good fun and I don’t mean anything bad by it. I am truly in awe of your organizational talents.  Come to think of it, I used to be a very organized individual and at work I still am, but when I’m at home I have essentially given up the organization fight.  But I digress, so back to spirituality and faith. How does one misplace it? That is the million dollar question.

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For a lot of people it is probably gradual, where they just sort of stop using it. When you don’t use something very much it’s easy to lose track of its whereabouts, where as something that is used daily, like your cell phone, you don’t lose track of because it’s likely permanently glued to your hand.  But the scissors or the tape only get used occasionally so it’s easy to forget where you last left it. The same can be said for your faith, your spirituality. If you stop using it, you lose it.  So by that I mean, you stop doing the things that brought a spiritual connection to you. Maybe you used to pray daily and you stopped. Maybe you used to read scriptures daily and you stopped. Maybe you used to go to church every Sunday and you stopped. So if you stop doing the things that exercise your faith, then you start to forget where it is or how it made you feel.  You let life happen in its place. Now again, I am truly awe inspired by those individuals who consistently exercise their faith because they are more likely to not misplace it. I, on the other hand, am very prone to complacency and very prone to be arrogant enough to think that I could stop exercising my faith and still know where it is. I am wrong. I am wrong every time I do that and yet, I keep doing it.  Just like I’m wrong every time I say I’ll just set the scissors here, I’ll be able to find them again next time, only to have to tear the house apart looking for it when I go to wrap Christmas presents every year. I swear, I never learn.

 

Over the past 30 days or so and more specifically the last 2 weeks, I have undergone some what of a spiritual overhaul. Sounds pleasant doesn’t it? It’s not. I mean it is but it is emotionally and mentally draining. So I uncluttered my psyche, and in the process found where I had left my faith and spirituality, turns out it was right in front of my face the entire time. It’s always the last place you look though. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have a lot more clutter and organizing to do still, but I found the core of it at least. Like a scattered puzzle, I found the box with the pretty picture on it,  I’m just looking for all the pieces now.

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Part of my journey I really think started late last year, but I didn’t realize it.  Possibly even half way through last year. I was having problems in my business and with my family and just with everything in life including my health. I think everything was manifesting itself in my left eye. Cornea infections are not fun, let me tell you and I am still having left eye issues. I was searching for something but didn’t know what. I had even hired business coaches and life coaches to assist me thinking that would help. I know, me, life coaches (nothing against life coaches) but I was seriously that desperate and the fact that I was paying life coaches was just, eww…like made me want to gag. Because I’ve never been that type of person. Now I’m not saying life coaches are bad. I know plenty of them and they do add value to a lot of people’s lives and businesses, so don’t start sending me hate mail. It was just something that I never thought I’d do. Anyway, the point was I had done this trying to find answers. The answers were in me all along. I had just misplaced my faith. What I was searching for was God. He never left though. I just closed the door on  him and forgot which door I left him standing behind. But he was still there, when I found that door and opened it, there he was. Never moved.  Just in the same spot I left him. The wonderful life coaches I hired didn’t know I’d left him behind a door. How could they. So they couldn’t help me find the door he was behind because they didn’t know he was there.

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What I needed was help from someone who actually knew he was there and that I had left him behind. So, God, in his infinite wisdom, because he couldn’t get a hold of me, started calling on some friends to alert me to the fact that I totally forgot about him. Luckily, eventually the right people answered the phone and he sent them to the rescue. To remind me that hey, I’d slammed the door on God and left him just standing out in the cold. He didn’t do it for himself though. He wasn’t like, how dare she do this to me?! Just forget about me like that! He was concerned that I hadn’t come back after I closed the door. His concern was for me. So he sent a posse out to find me to make sure I was okay. I am so thankful that he did. Because now, today, even though I’m still finding pieces to the puzzle, I feel amazing. I feel connected. I feel again. I think I had stopped feeling. So here I am writing this ridiculous blog about tape, scissors, and faith, but I feel amazing doing it. I have a lot of unanswered questions right now and I’m even unsure about some drastic events that may or may not happen in my life right now and somehow, I’m okay with all of it. I’m so okay that I’m actually happy, giddy, excited about life again, regardless of what that life looks like now.

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The bottom line is never lose hope, never think that something or someone is so lost they can’t be found. God doesn’t quit looking, he will stand there at the door knocking for eternity until you finally find the right door again. He will call reinforcements to help you. He will never quit. You will always be found! Now, the tape and the scissors is another story, that’s all on you, but rest assured that tape and scissors can be easily purchased again so don’t sweat it.

Change

Change

People always say change is a good thing? Is it? I mean I suppose it can be. Depends on the change. But I think people say change is a good thing because if nothing changes, then nothing changes. Meaning everything just stays the same all the time. Day in and day out, no changes, just the same old same old. That would be kind of boring right? But change is also hard. Because we get comfortable in our complacency. We are comfortable in our surroundings and our lives and changing something means we would have to be uncomfortable for a time until we got comfortable again.

You might say we have a love/hate relationship with change. Because, while change is good, it leads to personal growth and maybe new possibilities, we also don’t like the growing pains we feel while the change is happening.  Think about it, we get stuck at a job we hate because it would be too much effort or too scary to go out and find another job that we might love. We stay in failed relationships or marriages because leaving would mean we would have to find a new place to live, figure out how we are going to pay for things, and also means you have to put yourself out there again after you’ve grieved that relationship. All scary stuff. We don’t like things that we can’t predict. If we can’t predict what we are going to do tomorrow or what the plan is tomorrow, don’t we freak out a bit?

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Now, not every change has to be life altering. You can make little changes to yourself as a person that doesn’t involve something big like moving, or finding a new job, or getting out of a relationship. Self reflection can bring about much-needed change in your life that maybe just helps you to focus, or to feel better about yourself or to strive for something you’ve always wanted to do. Something that is just for you.

I was reading in another article today about overcoming challenges. Sometimes we don’t try to overcome them because the tasks seem so daunting. It seems like you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel because the task seems so hard. But what if you broke that task down into small steps. Small accomplishments that are easy and attainable but all of those tasks were working toward an ultimate goal? The analogy in the story used was going on a long hike and at first you were fine but then as the hike got harder, it seemed like you couldn’t make it to the finish line because you were tired and thirsty and wanted to rest. Well by all means, rest then, but don’t get so comfortable resting that you stop progressing. Because you certainly won’t finish that hike if you stop where you are indefinitely. So the idea was to count 100 steps and along the way while you are counting you notice the beauty around you, you find things to look at and admire that are fun. Maybe you even sing a song. Before you know it you’ve reached 100 steps. Then you start again, okay let’s do another 100 steps. So if you break the goal down into attainable smaller goals eventually you reach the ultimate goal.

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I think we decide to stay stagnant and complacent because we are afraid that the goal is too big. That we can’t see the finish line so we give up. So, maybe instead of picturing the finish line, you just picture the next 100 steps. Believe me 100 steps isn’t that many, I have a fit bit and it counts your steps, 100 is pretty small. You don’t realize how many steps you actually take in a day.

Now why am I bringing this up? Because like most of you, I get scared, I get comfortable and complacent and I get afraid to make even small changes that will most definitely make my life better, but I fail to do them because the finish line seems so unattainable. So maybe I will stop thinking of the end result and just start focusing on the next 100 steps. I can do that. I’m reminded of a saying, it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey we take to get there, and the journey is beautiful. The journey is life. We go through ups and downs and hills and valleys and storms and all sorts of obstacles, but if we stop the journey, if we just sit down and wait because we are scared, are we living? Can we really call that life? If we don’t take the journey, we never experience all that we could have. If we stop taking the journey, we die.

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So change really is a good thing. We should invite the change, we should embrace the change, and yes, as Gandhi put it, “you must be the change you wish to see in the world.”  But remember, you must change from within first and it starts with just the first 100 steps.

Let It Go! (No, not the Frozen song)

Let It Go! (No, not the Frozen song)

Isn’t it funny how sometimes we just hold on to useless stuff. Not just material clutter (which I have plenty of) but emotional clutter, baggage, unnecessary feelings and struggles. We just cling to those things like they are so precious to us. Why?

Here is what I think, I think those things build up. I think we don’t think about them until suddenly we realize our minds have become this waste land of crap! It happens slowly so we don’t realize it until we find ourselves mentally bogged down by these feelings. They have suddenly taken over your life to the point that your true feelings, your true potential, and your true spiritual nature are suffocated under the weight of it.  So why do we let it get that way?

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Have you ever carried a heavy bag or back pack? You pick it up at first and think this isn’t so bad. Maybe it isn’t even that heavy at first. You walk around with it on your shoulder and as you go along you collect stuff. You have the bag after all, why not put stuff in it.  Maybe you don’t even put that much in it. But, if you carry that bag around long enough, it starts to feel heavy. Suddenly you find yourself switching shoulders. Then you walk around with it on that shoulder for a while until it starts to get to heavy for that shoulder to. So what you end up with is 2 sore shoulders. Do we ever not think of maybe setting the bag down, or even setting it down and taking some stuff out of it that we don’t need?

Now that’s a great metaphor obviously, I know women out there can relate to carrying around that enormous purse that you throw literally everything into. I’ve done it.  Then when you go to find your wallet or your keys it is buried under all this crap. Well, because we are always so busy and just never get around to it, we don’t clean out our purses until one day we get so frustrated that we can’t find what we need that we dump the contents onto the table and start sorting things out.  Most of the stuff we collect in our purses, is just garbage that we end up throwing out. Receipts galore from shopping trips and grocery store trips. Business cards from networking events, (who is this person again)? All the crap that we just throw into our bags without thinking gets sorted through and then we put our wallet and our keys and maybe our lipstick or a compact mirror (you know, the necessities) back in and we are so proud of ourselves for getting organized. At least until we go out again and start that collecting process all over again!

My point is, maybe we should stop (first and foremost collecting useless junk in our purses) but more importantly, stop collecting useless junk in our minds.  Because we do the same thing with our minds.  Sometimes we are just a veritable plethora of useless information right?

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What if, instead of filing away that offensive remark or that small slight that someone made towards us (either intentionally or unintentionally) and just decided to let it go from the beginning? What if instead of beating ourselves up for stupid things we’ve done to ourselves or to other people, we rectify it and move on. Why keep that stored in your head to trip over one day? What if instead of the hurts we remember the good things someone has done for us? What if we kept those things. Wouldn’t we value those things?  What happens when we trip over that memory of something bad? Ultimately it brings us right back to that moment in time where we have to feel all of that hurt again. So what we’ve done is saved something that makes us feel bad so that we can one day stumble across it again and feel bad all over again. What?! Why?! LET IT GO! Let it go so that you don’t have to stumble across it again.

For example, in our homes we take care of the things we value and they are displayed nicely and kept safe right? The junk, is just left around or stuffed in a closet or a corner and only pulled out or dealt with when we keep tripping over it.  So what if we treated our emotional and spiritual minds like we treat our valuable possessions? What if we didn’t store useless junk in the corners of our minds to trip over on our way to getting to the valuable things? What if we only stored the good stuff? What if?

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It is easier said than done to let small stuff go and to not keep it filed away. It is easier said than done to let the big stuff go. I’m not sure I have the answer, what I do know is that if we take the time to pause for a minute and decide if something is worth keeping or not keeping (mentally or emotionally) then maybe we will stop collecting the useless stuff and start valuing the valuable stuff. Something to think about, and if someone out there masters how to do this let me know because that could be useful information right?

The Great Escape!

The Great Escape!

As I’ve mentioned before, I am an “all-in” kind of girl. When I decide to do something I jump in and do it and I do it full force.  It’s a blessing and a curse. Anyway, blogging has become my great escape. It seemed a little odd at first putting my thoughts and feelings and ideas out into the internet world for anyone to see. But I gotta say it’s been liberating as well. Because, I truly am a person who doesn’t care what others think, or at least that is what I always told myself anyway, this really has been a testament to that idea. Do I really not care? If I put these personal thoughts and ideas out into the world-wide web, you better be sure of that. So far, I haven’t been flogged by anyone or told that I’m stupid or whatever mean and nasty things people can come up with. Or maybe I’m just not that interesting and people don’t really care. Either way, it has been liberating for me.

Most of my blogs thus far have been about some personal discoveries I’ve made about myself. I haven’t even touched on politics yet (don’t worry at some point I probably will) I’m sure that’s when I’ll get the hate posts. I am just basking in the idea of personal growth and my own personal thoughts right now. I guess I’m being a little selfish because, everything has been about me thus far! Shocker! I have to admit it feels a little narcissistic at times. But oh well, maybe my struggles or thoughts can help someone else in the long run.  That’s what I like to tell myself anyway.

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What I have found is that self-reflection can be hard and draining.  I think not enough of us take the time to really reflect on who we are, why we do the things we do, or how we got to be the person we are now. I mean why would we, we all have lives and are busy and why would we stop to ask those questions anyway? I’m really not sure what lead me to ask them in the first place. I think we are afraid to look too hard at ourselves because we might not like what we find. We might have to admit we are wrong in some way. We might have to admit that our way of thinking or doing things is flawed, and who really wants to admit any of that? Not me, for sure. I have always thought of myself as knowing exactly who I am and what I stand for, and if I make a decision one way or another, it is the right one for me. Because I never really stopped to examine why I was doing something or thinking a certain way.

What are we afraid of? I’ll tell you what we are afraid of. We are afraid of change. We are afraid that if we stop to reflect on ourselves and really look at ourselves on a deeper level that we will have to do things differently. That we will find out that we are wrong and if we find out we are wrong, we have 2 choices, to either stay wrong or change.  Change is never an easy thing and admitting you are wrong, is even harder.

What I’ve found about myself (right, wrong or indifferent) is that I act first and think later and that I have an amazing ability to reason myself into what I think I want.  Since I am in the legal field professionally, I have been asked by many people why I didn’t just become a lawyer. I guess they recognize what I fail to recognize about myself, which is that I’d probably make a great attorney. I mean what do attorney’s do essentially? They reason away their client’s actions or lack of actions, or whatever. They find that loophole. They come up with a plausible scenario which makes that winning argument. Essentially that is what I do to myself. I come up with those winning arguments in my head which essentially makes my actions or in-actions, or whatever, plausible. I find those loopholes. I twist the facts or the truth until it fits my narrative inside my head.  That’s crazy right? When I put it on paper like that it sounds crazy to me. But when I’m rationalizing it in my head it doesn’t sound crazy at the time. I don’t realize I’m doing it.

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So now that I’ve figured out that about myself, what is the answer? How do you fundamentally change how your mind works? Seriously! I mean it’s like changing your personality. So even if I do realize this about myself, how does one go about changing the fact that you have a really good attorney in your head? I mean, she is obviously very good at her job. This does kind of go along with my last blog post from 2 days ago. “Punch Satan in the Face!”. Essentially I alluded to the fact that it was Satan in my head feeding me my thoughts or twisting them. So I suppose going back to that position, I just have to evict Satan from my brain right? Is it that easy though? I mean part of the reason that Satan is in my head and that I can’t tell the difference between what are organically my thoughts and what are his, is because he twists my thoughts so they sound like me. Again, I am Satan, Satan is me, etc. But I think even if I do successfully punch Satan in the face and kick him out, I’m still me right? I’m still the one that finds loopholes aren’t I?

Here is what I’ve been told in the past about personal revelation. I’ve been told that you can tell that it is the spirit of God speaking if the idea or thought is good (I’m paraphrasing) but if it is bad it is from Satan. Great! problem solved! Oh wait, except that good and bad are totally subjective to each individual and also relative to the situation. Right! Forgot about that. This is where things get personally murky for me. Obviously if I have an idea in my brain box that says that I should go rob a bank, obviously, that is a clear indicator that it is bad and is not from God. Okay, cool. Now what if I have a thought in my head that says, keep your family unit together at all costs and do what is right for your family. Okay, this is where it gets confusing because that could mean so many things. Now say an opportunity presents itself to re connect with your spouse or something and you really feel that it is a good idea because re connecting with your spouse will help the family unit. Perfect! That must be good right? Now let’s say that the way your brain came up with you to re connect was to have a great weekend with your spouse that may involve going against a principal that you have been taught is fundamentally wrong, but doing it makes your spouse happy and by extension brings back that closeness that you were thinking was good for the family unit? These are just examples, but really, those little small decisions are the choices you are going with and they seem inherently “good” at the time. So, was that a loophole? If the way we make decisions or know if personal revelation is really from God is based on whether it is good or not, then how do you always tell the difference given the subjective nature of good and bad? If you pray about it and your brain still finds those loopholes, how do you change that?

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I’m still figuring that out of course. But I think they are valid questions. Of course, what do I know, based on my self-reflection, I don’t know much. But I do find that escaping into my blog and typing from this stream of consciousness that may or may not make sense, somehow let’s me escape into a reality where good and bad can co-exist for a short time just to wade through the cob webs of your mind that have been discarded and forgotten. It allows me to play, what if, for as long as I need to until that light bulb comes on that says this is the clear answer. So, even if my blog is not helping anyone but me, I guess that is good enough. If it only serves to let me escape long enough to focus on an idea or thought, then I guess it is worth it to bear my soul to the internet!

 

 

What is Bad?

I was having a conversation with a friend last night and somehow my weird brain came up with the idea of what is bad? When people think they have been “bad” or had a “bad life” or were even “born bad”, what does that mean? I think the idea of bad is both relative and subjective. What seems bad to one person may not be to another. Sure there are certain social constructs that dictate that things like murder and theft are bad. Not just because of the act and what happens once the act is done, but it is also illegal. So what if we dispel with the idea of “legally wrong or bad” and talk about why people tend to think of themselves as bad.

Many people live by a certain set of rules or standards that dictate to them what is right and wrong or what is bad or good. Religions are based on it a lot of times. It’s funny that people of different faiths sometimes have these righteous indignation’s that make them seem so superior to other people, like they hold the moral high ground all the time. Sometimes people just guilt themselves needlessly and sometimes those overly righteous people make sure those people continue to feel guilty.  I mean sure we are all human and we all make mistakes, does that mean we should walk around wringing our hands and fretting over being damned after we die? This is what I mean by what is bad? It’s subjective and it is relative to the situation I think. I think it’s relative to your own mind-set at the time.

Now here comes the tricky part, does your mind-set at the time or the situation absolve you from whatever wrong or bad thing you did? I mean surely there has to be accountability at some point especially if that bad thing hurt another person. Should we just say well he or she was not in the right frame of mind or they were in a bad situation so it’s forgivable? Shouldn’t there be consequences even if the situation was bad? It can get pretty convoluted when you try to wrap your mind around it. What about those situations where the only person you are hurting is yourself? I am reminded of a line in the movie “Where the Heart Is” where Stockard Channing’s character says “Sheriff, we’re alcoholics, we’re generally satisfied just to hurt ourselves.” Should you endure some sort of hell fire and damnation when you really just hurt yourself? In this situation, doesn’t the hurt you inflicted upon yourself serve as sort of its own punishment? One could argue you’ve suffered enough right? But then again, is there such a thing as only hurting yourself? Whether you are speaking physically, spiritually, emotionally, etc. Sure I suppose if you are alone and have no one else in the world that loves you, then maybe yes what you do to yourself doesn’t hurt anyone but you. But for the vast majority of people, we all have people who love us and worry about us and care when we are hurting ourselves. So in that sense, is there really such a thing as only hurting yourself? Because if you hurt yourself and the people you love have to watch it, then are you not by extension hurting them as well? Like I said, tricky right?

So what is my point? My point is, and this is just my opinion of course, that sometimes life is life and we make decisions that sometimes we shouldn’t, but does it really serve us or anyone else to go through your life kicking yourself for things you may have done that either hurt you or someone else or both? What is the point? Is it what God wants? Now depending on your faith you may think of God as this omnipotent being who takes inventory of your rights and wrongs all day every day for infinity and dole’s out a punishment or a reward at the end. Sort of like a glorified Santa Clause, he knows when you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake or you don’t get any presents on Christmas type of person. Maybe you see him as a merciful God who understands that you are human and understands your mind-set at all times and takes into account these things and just loves you no matter what. Sort of like a mother or father on earth loves there kids no matter what, even if they are not being the best kids all the time.Maybe you don’t believe in a God at all and you just think we are here on this earth and then we die and there is nothing after that.That is a pretty grim outlook but some people do believe that.

So regardless of which scenario you believe in, the question still remains, if we are here on this earth because God put us here, we are still here and we still have to try to live the best life we can and try not to be miserable regardless of if you think you are headed for hell fire and damnation or heaven or nothingness, wouldn’t you want to at least spend your time on earth trying to be happy and not being guilt ridden? I would argue that would be the best use of your time. Make yourself happy, try to do right by other people and if you make a mistake, apologize and try to make it right the best you can and then move on. Don’t carry that burden of all your wrongs forever on this earth until you die, because I suspect there will be plenty of time to pick those back up after you are dead. Maybe you will pay for them after you are gone, maybe you won’t, but I used to worry about it. I used to wring my hands over it. I used to think, I will be punished for time and all eternity after I’m gone because I couldn’t measure up. Measure up to who? Who are we really trying to measure up to? The other people at church? Our parents? God? Maybe it’s true that I’ll be punished maybe it isn’t. But what good does it do me to worry about it now? Am I serving myself, my family or anyone else if I am paralyzed by guilt? Not really.

Now, I am LDS, and so I do happen to believe in the hereafter and that Jesus died for our sins so that we could return back to our Heavenly Father. That is my personal belief, and I have gone through the repentance process before. So I am not preaching anything contrary to my beliefs or contrary to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Again, this is my opinion not doctrine, it’s my personal experience of having tried to live the gospel as well as I could and failing miserably, more than once. Does that make me damned? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. Does that make me bad? I don’t think so. I think it makes me human and I think the Lord knows my heart and your heart and everyone’s heart and he knows that I am strong-willed and that I have a hard time discerning between my own thoughts and the spirit’s thoughts (if you will) personal revelation does not come easy to me because I literally can’t tell the difference most of the time. Do I do things that I know (according to my religious background) are “bad”? Probably. Does that make me “bad”? I guess I will have to let God be the judge on that when I die because honestly, it’s all relative and it’s all subjective and I have chosen not to worry about it anymore. It’s too exhausting and I will probably never figure it out in this lifetime, but that’s alright.

I probably stunned a lot of my church going friends when a couple of years ago I made the decision to be less involved with my church. That was probably confusing to, well, probably all of them. I’m sure they thought did someone offend her? Was it something someone did? Did she just decide to abandon her faith and her beliefs? The answer is no to all of them. If you know me, you know that the only person capable of offending me successfully is my own husband. Quite literally, no one else has that power over me. Maybe my daughter a close second but not really because I recognize she is a teenager and it’s sort of the teenager’s job to be difficult. Did I lose my faith? Not in the slightest. I still believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church on the earth today. I still believe that President Monson is the true prophet. I still believe Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon by the power of the Holy Ghost to restore the true gospel to the earth, and I still believe that Jesus Christ died for all of our sins so we could return to our Heavenly Father. So, why? I guess the answer is still a mystery to me. At the time I told myself that it was too hard. My daughter wasn’t interested and it was always a struggle and my Husband is not a member so it was just me. So I told myself I did it for my family. In part I guess that’s true. But mostly, I think I was just tired. It’s exhausting being a lone island in your own family. One could argue that if I didn’t marry a non-member I wouldn’t have these problems, or if I wasn’t living a lifestyle that lead me to marry a non member that I wouldn’t have these problems. That may or may not be true, we’ll never know now. Now maybe it’s “bad” and maybe it isn’t. I think I’m just not sure I care anymore whether it is or it isn’t. I think I will just live my life and do the best I can and it will all get sorted out in the end. Bad? I guess God will be the judge.

 

 

Keep the Wind in your Sails – my Achilles Heel

Keep the Wind in your Sails – my Achilles Heel

Yesterday I started this blog. I was so excited to be sharing and doing something in life that might bring me inspiration and a little bit of joy. Have you ever been so excited about something and then have someone or something totally take the wind out of your sails? It’s frustrating isn’t it? So yesterday I messed around with Word press and got this blog thing started. I basically wrote a prologue of my life (as my daughter called it) and posted it. I was very excited about it. Again, not sure why as I wasn’t sure why I was writing it. My husband, who doesn’t do social media at all, wasn’t aware I had done this blog because he didn’t see the post all over my Facebook page. So I told him when he got home from work. His question was “why”? I said simply because I wanted to and why not. I’ll admit my family’s reaction took a bit of my wind out of my sails, but I half expected it so it was cool. My daughter said It was too long and was like a prologue (that wasn’t surprising to me because basically if anything is longer than a short paragraph she likely doesn’t read it). I smiled and moved on.  I texted my new blog website to my  husband so he could go online and read it.  I immediately regretted doing that, because I had posted a picture on my site of him and my daughter and without going into detail (for his protection) he said he wanted me to take the photo down. Bam! Wind completely out of my sails.  I was hurt by that. Maybe I shouldn’t have been, as he explained his reasoning and while I might disagree somewhat with it, I did understand where he was coming from. But still, I half way thought “can’t my family just be happy for me, even just for a little bit before criticizing something I was proud of doing? ” So, here is my point, I am not posting this to rag on my family for their reaction. I’m really not. As my husband pointed out, “are you sure you want to do this because you realize the public could not like what you have to post and then you will get haters.” Obviously I was aware of this and wasn’t worried about it. So if that is the case, why did my Husband’s reaction bother me? If I truly don’t care what people think then why did the wind get knocked out of my sails so fast? Here is the answer, that which I’ve always known of course but sometimes need to be reminded of, I don’t care what strangers think but I do care what my close family thinks. Mainly my husband and my daughter who are my whole world. So when they don’t like something I’ve done or are critical of something, that is when my sailing gets bumpy and I enter choppy and unforgiving waters. Great start to my blogging right? Day 2 and already bumpy, but I expect some bumps along the way, I just have to remember that no one can take the wind from my sails unless I let them, or rather the wind can throw me around but I control my sailing.  I admit this is hard for me because historically the only opinion I care about, aside from my own, is my family’s. So I should expect that and I should know how to react better to it by now, I should be able to adjust my sails.  What can I say, everyone has an Achilles heel, now you all know what mine is. It’s my family, fortunately for me, the general public can’t use that against me. Only my husband can!  So here is the point, when you feel the wind either dying down or blowing to hard, adjust your sails. You can’t adjust the wind, but you can adjust your sails. The moral of the story is, you can’t control other people, but you can control your reaction to them. Even when it’s your family.