People are probably getting a headache or a stomach ache reading my blog. It’s one big roller coaster ride isn’t it? Okay maybe that’s just how I feel about it. So last Monday I posted about the darkness I was in and by Friday I was telling the world to bring it on. I know, make up my mind right? Well, something happened yesterday that was just so profound, and so eloquent. It literally brought the roller coaster to a screeching halt. Where I was able to step off the roller coaster and stop the spinning, and the turning, and the up and down and swerving. It was just calm.
Yesterday was Sunday and I had been out really late with my husband and his friends. I think I got home at about a quarter to three in the morning. I got to sleep about 3:15 am and then got up at 8 am to get ready for church. I was so tired. But I had resolved myself to make it to church anyway. Now before I get to the awesome part of my church story, I have to say that I had abstained from drinking any alcohol the night before while out with our friends. This was huge for me. Not because I am a big drinker anyway, I’m not and I really don’t drink much anyway, but the fact that I was out so late with a bunch of other people drinking and I didn’t drink anything was just a big win for me. It’s hard to explain, I guess you had to be there. Anyway, so fast forward to Sunday morning. I get up feeling like death cause I’m so tired (another great win that I wasn’t also hung over) and I drag myself to the shower and get ready. I get to church just in time.
The first speaker was a youth speaker and he spoke about depression, about this girl he had heard speak at a conference who talked about her depression and how serving others is how she coped with it. It brought me to tears. If you personally know some one that you care about immensely that has a depression, you’ll understand. Just how he had described this girls life, how she lived every day in that state of depression was heart breaking to me because I do know people very close to me that have that issue. It touched my heart. Of course, the first speaker and I’m already in tears. The next two speakers were very good as well and I wish I had the presence of mind to write something down about their talks because I remember a couple of things hitting home to me as well. But regardless it was an uplifting and spiritually inviting meeting. After the first meeting was Sunday school. The lesson was on the Holy Ghost.
Now, admittedly, I have a hard time with hearing the Holy Ghost and having personal revelation from it. I just do. For whatever reason,it’s hard for me to discern my thoughts from the spirit’s thoughts. So this lesson was great because it talked about how you feel the spirit, how you hear the spirit, what the spirit does. But also I shared in the class how those things are hard for me. After the lesson we went to relief society where we are reading the teachings of President Hinckley, love that man. Anyway it was about having an attitude of happiness. Which is so great because I think we all get bogged down in the world and forgetting that we are in control of our own destiny, our own happiness, etc.
After relief society, I went to go to my car to leave. I heard and felt a distinct thought that said “go back inside”. I stopped dead in my tracks because it was so clear. I stood there for a minute, and then I started walking to my car again. When I opened my car door, I heard it again, “go back inside”. I was like this is too bizarre. So I closed my car door and started walking back inside the church. I didn’t know why I was going back inside but I thought, what the heck, it doesn’t hurt to walk back in. So I go inside, I start walking around the halls hoping something would jump out at me as to why I was there. Nothing did, so I went to the lobby and just sat down, thinking maybe it will come to me. So I sat there, and sat there, and sat there. People were leaving saying Hi’s and goodbye’s, but nothing was jumping out at me. Shortly after just sitting there a friend texted me and I told my friend that I was still at the church not knowing why. My friend suggested I pray. So I prayed and I got the thought that I was not supposed to go home yet. Okay, so again, I’m supposed to be in the church, and not go home yet. Alright, even I’m starting to think I’m nuts at this point. So a little before 1:00 another friend came out of the bishop’s office and it was the person who taught the lesson about the Holy Ghost. So she asked why I was still here, so I told her. We talked for a while about the prompting I’d gotten and a few other things. So I was like, okay, maybe that was it, maybe I was supposed to talk to her. So she left and then I got up and left and came home. No prompting to stay or not to go home at that point. When I got home, my husband was on a conference call but he stepped out and just said, I was worried about you, everything okay? I said, yes I just got hung up talking to a friend. He said okay, just wanted to make sure. But his demeanor was very soft, and very much different from what it had been the last week. He was very sweet.
So what I gleaned from this situation is that the Holy Ghost was testing me in a way to see if I could hear him and if I would listen and also, I think by just following that simple instruction of go back inside and don’t go home yet, it was allowing me to see another side of my Husband, or Heavenly Father was performing a minor change in my husband’s attitude. Because normally, if I came home from church or anywhere else an hour late, he would have “jokingly” given me a hard time about it. But this time, he didn’t, he was just happy I was okay, and that was it. Sounds like a small thing, I know, but it really was kind of huge, because, I heard a prompting and I followed it which is like almost impossible for me. So that was, I think, the whole point.
Anyway, after that I got home and just went to sleep for 4 hours because I was so tired from the night before. When I woke up, I felt this calm, this peace, this feeling that everything was going to be okay and everything was exactly as it should be right now. I wasn’t worried about my next 100 steps, or my next thought, or really anything. I was just able to be in the moment of this calm peacefulness. I can’t describe accurately how good that calm felt after the roller coaster. It was so amazing! “When the moment arrives, that you know, you’ll be alright!” (Aerosmith, Amazing). That is what that moment felt like. It felt like, everything’s going to be alright and it’s all good. The calm is great because it’s not riding a high. Because when you are riding a high, you know you are going to come down at some point. That’s true whether you are talking about drugs, alcohol, or just an emotional high where you feel so good and you are all jacked up on adrenaline, or even a spiritual high. When you are high you know you will always come down eventually. That’s the bad part about any high. So what was nice about yesterday, was it was not a spiritual high, it was a calm. Just peace. Just comfort. That was it. Even in my perplexed state of not knowing what I was doing back at the church just sitting there, I was confused but calm.
So now, my focus is keeping the calm. I think initially I was chasing a high, but now I’m just trying to cultivate the calm. So now I am starting to read the Book of Mormon from start to finish, which I intend to get by with a little help from my friends. Because reading doesn’t come easy to me. But I have a support system and I feel like I can do it this time. Bottom line is this is my life, it’s time I started living it my way. Keep calm and keep the calm.