So I know I’ve not written in a few days after my last very dark post. But I’m back today with a whole new attitude. I feel amazing today. That might have something to do with the fact that I got a full nights sleep last night for a change. Sleep is my friend. I have had a strange week. First there was Monday, which we all know what Monday was for me. Dark and dreary. Then Tuesday I felt a bit better. By Wednesday I had gotten my groove back. I went up to the Temple Wednesday afternoon after my afternoon appointment. I listened to some conference talks that had been recorded for me. I sat at the temple in my favorite spot, in the back by the fountain. I had my earphones and I just listened. First was our Stake president speaking about the Book of Mormon and he, as he always does, put out the challenge to read the Book of Mormon daily. Great message as always. Then there was another President speaking about Fast Sunday and the blessings of living the law of the fast (which I personally have never been able to fully do). Great talks from them as always. Then came the Temple matron’s talk. I love this woman, she and her husband taught a temple prep class that I took years ago and they are just the nicest, most genuine and helpful people ever. Her talk was about the temple and how when she was a young mother she had decided to make the temple a priority. Great stuff and I thought it was awesome that I was on the temple grounds to hear that message. Then her husband spoke, and he also spoke about the temple. I can’t pin point exactly what about his talk struck me, I really can’t. But I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that made me shake. I just had this, almost need really, to decide to make my way back to the temple.
So, just a bit of history, I took out my temple endowments in October of 2010. It was a special day. I personally never thought of myself as a temple going person even though I’d grown up in the church my whole life. I just always assumed it was not something I would ever do. So without going into too much detail about how I got there, I finally had my recommend given to me in July of 2010. I didn’t go and actually take out my endowments until October because I wanted to wait until I could go when we took my Brother, Ryan’s name through the temple. He had passed away on September 29, 2009. We had to wait a year before doing his temple work. So in that time I had received my recommend but chose not to use it until I could go when Ryan’s work was done. So that is how that happened. I remember going to the temple often after that and feeling the piece that I felt there every time I went. In probably 2014 my recommend expired and I didn’t renew it. There is a story behind that as well, but perhaps a story for another time.
So here it is 2017 and I still have not renewed my recommend and a lot has happened since then that will require some additional work to get my recommend back. So, back to the story, I was at the temple grounds this past week and I had this overwhelming feeling just come over me that I needed to get back to the temple. But, I also had the thought that it would not be an immediate thing or maybe even something that happens this year. I know, somewhat conflicting ideas right? Anyway, there I was having this very spiritual experience on the temple ground, literally ugly crying outside. I’m grateful that no one was around, or honestly, if they were, I didn’t notice. I was sort of in my own little island. It seemed isolated. I suppose, if I’m honest, there could have been people around and I’m not sure I would have noticed. I cleaned myself up and left because I had to pick up my daughter to take her to singing lessons. So I went home, sort of on this emotional and spiritual high. I wasn’t sad, even though I was crying. I was just overwhelmed. So I picked Mikayla up and we went to her lesson. During that time I was scrolling through Facebook and finding all of these inspirational quotes, video’s and talks that just helped me make sense of what I was feeling. After her music lesson, we went to my friend’s house to practice a song and then after that I went home, still on this high.
You know how when you get so high up, that the only way to go is down? Well that’s sort of what happened when I got home. While it was no one’s fault, I was somewhat irked by some things my husband had said (which of course, I know he didn’t mean) but they sort of brought me crashing down into this very defeated place. Where I had once had this hope it was dashed by these inconsequential comments. Funny how that happens isn’t it? It’s funny how some people can just push the right buttons to instantly deflate you at a moments notice. My husband is the only person who knows how to do that. Quite literally no one else has that ability. It’s sort of his super power. But I love that he is the only one who carries that much weight in my life. It’s the way it should be I suppose. Anyone else could have said far worse and I would have just brushed it off because those people don’t mean anything to me. So I was up late Wednesday night literally giving way to much attention to this exchange between he and I that I know he probably didn’t think that much about. It literally probably didn’t faze him at all. But he didn’t know that I’d just been on this roller coaster of emotional high so he wouldn’t have known that what he said would bring me down. Totally my fault.
Yesterday, I woke up late and had to be at a meeting at 10:00 in Henderson, so I got ready fast and left. Went to my meeting, and then had to meet someone about some marketing for my business. After that I realize, I have 2 reviews that are due tomorrow that aren’t done. So I rush to my other office and get those done. Meanwhile, that night my husband and I were planning to go out for a belated Valentine’s dinner. Meanwhile, I hadn’t showered because I woke up late. He texts me and asks if I can pick up dinner for our daughter on the way home oh and by the way we need to leave by 5:15. So I’m like, I haven’t showered and was going to shower before we left. So he said he would pick up her dinner so I could shower. Thank you! I was starting to feel stressed out. So I get home and get ready. We leave the house and head to The Edge Steakhouse at the Westgate. It was a somewhat tense ride there. I think he sensed that maybe he had messed up the night before. I just kept saying I was fine and I really was. Anyway, things got better, we talked a bit and had a nice dinner and ended the night with just cuddling on the couch, which I fell asleep! I was so tired from this week. I fell asleep in his arms. He went to bed and then I woke up and went to bed not to long after that and slept through the entire night!
I know, so what is my point. My point is that I managed the ups and downs this week but what I found was that I needed to sleep, just really sleep. Now today, I feel like I can take on the world, so to that I say, world, BRING IT ON! I got this.