As I’ve mentioned before, I am an “all-in” kind of girl. When I decide to do something I jump in and do it and I do it full force. It’s a blessing and a curse. Anyway, blogging has become my great escape. It seemed a little odd at first putting my thoughts and feelings and ideas out into the internet world for anyone to see. But I gotta say it’s been liberating as well. Because, I truly am a person who doesn’t care what others think, or at least that is what I always told myself anyway, this really has been a testament to that idea. Do I really not care? If I put these personal thoughts and ideas out into the world-wide web, you better be sure of that. So far, I haven’t been flogged by anyone or told that I’m stupid or whatever mean and nasty things people can come up with. Or maybe I’m just not that interesting and people don’t really care. Either way, it has been liberating for me.
Most of my blogs thus far have been about some personal discoveries I’ve made about myself. I haven’t even touched on politics yet (don’t worry at some point I probably will) I’m sure that’s when I’ll get the hate posts. I am just basking in the idea of personal growth and my own personal thoughts right now. I guess I’m being a little selfish because, everything has been about me thus far! Shocker! I have to admit it feels a little narcissistic at times. But oh well, maybe my struggles or thoughts can help someone else in the long run. That’s what I like to tell myself anyway.
What I have found is that self-reflection can be hard and draining. I think not enough of us take the time to really reflect on who we are, why we do the things we do, or how we got to be the person we are now. I mean why would we, we all have lives and are busy and why would we stop to ask those questions anyway? I’m really not sure what lead me to ask them in the first place. I think we are afraid to look too hard at ourselves because we might not like what we find. We might have to admit we are wrong in some way. We might have to admit that our way of thinking or doing things is flawed, and who really wants to admit any of that? Not me, for sure. I have always thought of myself as knowing exactly who I am and what I stand for, and if I make a decision one way or another, it is the right one for me. Because I never really stopped to examine why I was doing something or thinking a certain way.
What are we afraid of? I’ll tell you what we are afraid of. We are afraid of change. We are afraid that if we stop to reflect on ourselves and really look at ourselves on a deeper level that we will have to do things differently. That we will find out that we are wrong and if we find out we are wrong, we have 2 choices, to either stay wrong or change. Change is never an easy thing and admitting you are wrong, is even harder.
What I’ve found about myself (right, wrong or indifferent) is that I act first and think later and that I have an amazing ability to reason myself into what I think I want. Since I am in the legal field professionally, I have been asked by many people why I didn’t just become a lawyer. I guess they recognize what I fail to recognize about myself, which is that I’d probably make a great attorney. I mean what do attorney’s do essentially? They reason away their client’s actions or lack of actions, or whatever. They find that loophole. They come up with a plausible scenario which makes that winning argument. Essentially that is what I do to myself. I come up with those winning arguments in my head which essentially makes my actions or in-actions, or whatever, plausible. I find those loopholes. I twist the facts or the truth until it fits my narrative inside my head. That’s crazy right? When I put it on paper like that it sounds crazy to me. But when I’m rationalizing it in my head it doesn’t sound crazy at the time. I don’t realize I’m doing it.
So now that I’ve figured out that about myself, what is the answer? How do you fundamentally change how your mind works? Seriously! I mean it’s like changing your personality. So even if I do realize this about myself, how does one go about changing the fact that you have a really good attorney in your head? I mean, she is obviously very good at her job. This does kind of go along with my last blog post from 2 days ago. “Punch Satan in the Face!”. Essentially I alluded to the fact that it was Satan in my head feeding me my thoughts or twisting them. So I suppose going back to that position, I just have to evict Satan from my brain right? Is it that easy though? I mean part of the reason that Satan is in my head and that I can’t tell the difference between what are organically my thoughts and what are his, is because he twists my thoughts so they sound like me. Again, I am Satan, Satan is me, etc. But I think even if I do successfully punch Satan in the face and kick him out, I’m still me right? I’m still the one that finds loopholes aren’t I?
Here is what I’ve been told in the past about personal revelation. I’ve been told that you can tell that it is the spirit of God speaking if the idea or thought is good (I’m paraphrasing) but if it is bad it is from Satan. Great! problem solved! Oh wait, except that good and bad are totally subjective to each individual and also relative to the situation. Right! Forgot about that. This is where things get personally murky for me. Obviously if I have an idea in my brain box that says that I should go rob a bank, obviously, that is a clear indicator that it is bad and is not from God. Okay, cool. Now what if I have a thought in my head that says, keep your family unit together at all costs and do what is right for your family. Okay, this is where it gets confusing because that could mean so many things. Now say an opportunity presents itself to re connect with your spouse or something and you really feel that it is a good idea because re connecting with your spouse will help the family unit. Perfect! That must be good right? Now let’s say that the way your brain came up with you to re connect was to have a great weekend with your spouse that may involve going against a principal that you have been taught is fundamentally wrong, but doing it makes your spouse happy and by extension brings back that closeness that you were thinking was good for the family unit? These are just examples, but really, those little small decisions are the choices you are going with and they seem inherently “good” at the time. So, was that a loophole? If the way we make decisions or know if personal revelation is really from God is based on whether it is good or not, then how do you always tell the difference given the subjective nature of good and bad? If you pray about it and your brain still finds those loopholes, how do you change that?
I’m still figuring that out of course. But I think they are valid questions. Of course, what do I know, based on my self-reflection, I don’t know much. But I do find that escaping into my blog and typing from this stream of consciousness that may or may not make sense, somehow let’s me escape into a reality where good and bad can co-exist for a short time just to wade through the cob webs of your mind that have been discarded and forgotten. It allows me to play, what if, for as long as I need to until that light bulb comes on that says this is the clear answer. So, even if my blog is not helping anyone but me, I guess that is good enough. If it only serves to let me escape long enough to focus on an idea or thought, then I guess it is worth it to bear my soul to the internet!